I've never blamed you for a thing. I won't start now.
( he tells him tenderly, hands smoothing over the muscles of his biceps. if he's mourning what he knew of his beloved, the arrogant, playful, stubborn man that he was, he doesn't let on. he presses a kiss to his forehead, keeping him in that hold and nuzzling him, pleased that at least yingxing is reaching out to him instead of pushing him away. )
[ there's no reason to hide it. besides, surely jing yuan must already suspect it, given how staunchly against unprotected sex he is, how he refuses not to use a condom no matter how jing yuan begs and whines.
with a soft sigh, he lifts his head, gently butting their brows together. this, he thinks, might break jing yuan's heart most of all, may shatter him into a thousand pieces. it would have been better for him to simply disappear from jing yuan's life entirely.. but having failed that, honesty is his only option. ren nudges their noses together, hesitating for a moment as he works up the courage to say the words. ]
of all the things jing yuan expected yingxing to say, he didn't think it was this. hiv positive. the words echo as the bottom falls out from under him, and jing yuan can only stare and process the truth of it slowly. the fact is that there is treatment available, and that it's possible for him to live normally -- but all of that fades in the face of the ramifications of what he means.
he has it, and odds are that it's sexually transmitted. and so he has to ask, even as he nuzzles against him. he doesn't pull away, he won't. he's promised, in sickness and in health. but it still breaks his heart and makes him ache. )
[ what happened? how does he even begin to explain? he had hoped that jing yuan might come to his own conclusions, that he wouldn't have to say the words out loud, but no. ren heaves a dry, mirthless laugh. ]
I was..
[ his throat closes, squeezes, and ren swallows down a wave of nausea, rubbing both hands over his face, fingers trembling lightly. he shouldn't keep anything from jing yuan, his beloved, but that does not make the words any easier to say, the knowledge that jing yuan will surely be devastated on his behalf.. all of it aches. ]
I didn't - you know what prison is like, don't you? I was in max. It's brutal, there. People.. take what they want.
[ goods, power, influence.. and other people, should they desire them. he keeps his gaze fixed pointedly away. ]
( it's not drugs; it's something even more horrific, something more awful and dark and terrible, its shadow cast over their marriage. jing yuan doesn't wait for him to finish, and he reaches out, grasping his chin to tip his face to his, forcing his expression to be steady even if his heart is breaking inside.
no matter how strong they are, there are forces out there in the world that will tear them down, and yingxing has experienced enough. he reaches for his hand, threading his fingers through it and leaning forward to press his forehead to his. to think that he's carrying the horror of this violation alone, this profound, aching pain that will not be relieved, reminded of it every single day. )
Oh... my darling, my love. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. ( he presses up against him and takes him into an embrace, holding him close. he wants to carry his pain for him, the burden of this sin, and he nuzzles into him. no more, he doesn't need him to say it out loud. )
[ thank the gods that jing yuan understands immediately, that ren doesn't need to spell it out entirely for him - he's not certain that he could, not without breaking down completely.
jing yuan holds him, pulls him close, and the sheer tenderness of the moment nearly cracks him in half. hissing in a shuddering breath, ren closes his eyes, tensing, his kneejerk reaction to pull away.. but he resists, then leans into it, allowing their brows to touch. ]
.. it is what it is. [ he says quietly, his eyes stinging. it's impossible not to recall every moment of his brutal treatment in prison, how it had taken him years to build up the strength to be able to defend himself properly and build up his own protections. ] It's over now.
( it is what it is, he says it like he's resigned to it. how long has his beloved been wrestling with his demons, so alone? he's tangling his legs with his, pressing his body flush against him with a soft sigh. he nuzzles into his cheek, his neck, arms winding around him. )
It's over. ( he echoes softly. ) But you're not alone. I won't let you be on your own with this. Have you... have you seen the doctor? There are treatments —
[ that jing yuan seeks to comfort him is expected, and so very sweet. his husband had always been so soft, so loving and supportive.. even after everything that had happened, even after what ren had done, the blood staining his hands. he loves, and he forgives.
leaning his weight into him, ren breathes a heavy, shuddering sigh. ]
Mm. I have, yeah. I'm trying to get treatment, I just - I can't risk you.
( he reaches out, tucking his hair behind his ear. his fingers linger over the shell of it, the traces down the line of his jaw. he has endured so much, but he's still so fragile, so vulnerable.
he presses soft kisses to his forehead, so gentle. )
Let me arrange something. ( he murmurs against his forehead, fully intending to leverage on his position to give his beloved the best care that he needs. ) I know a few people.
[ - have to, he means to say, but he stops himself. jing yuan wants so desperately to help.. how could ren deny him? how would he feel in his place? so he quiets, closing his eyes to allow himself to soak up jing yuan's closeness, his soft kisses, the sweet, familiar scent of his skin and hair..
relenting, he leans into jing yuan's arms, nudging his nose along his jaw. ]
( yingxing is finally, finally affectionate right back with him, willingly so, and he can't help but settle in their embrace, allowing him space to soak up his love for him, for the earlier intensity of their fighting and lovemaking to settle and dispel.
oh, how tired his love must be. )
It will. I'll arrange for the best care for you. ( he offers a soft smile. ) But... tell me what you need, too.
[ jing yuan is so good to him, even if he does not deserve it, even if he could never deserve it. it makes him feel guilty to accept it.. but it makes him feel worse to reject it, to hurt jing yuan, his beloved who has never done anything but love and support him. ]
I just need you.
[ he murmurs, both arms winding around jing yuan to pull him close, scooping him in near. he buries his face in his husband's shoulder, exhaling a sigh. ]
( jing yuan smiles softly, nuzzling back into him as well. he smells like yingxing, too, his beautiful, beloved man. he feels a sense of relief, just a little — jing yuan knows there is a long road ahead; he hasn't even touched the psychological damage that all of his has done to him yet. but... a little at a time.
he shifts, moving to cup his face. )
I don't want to pressure you into doing things you don't want to do. And even so... I won't leave your side, my love.
[ he likes the smell of sweat and sex leave him alone??
but when jing yuan pulls back to cup his face, ren nearly breaks all over again. seeing that soft, sweet look in his eyes, all of that care and love and devotion.. it feels like a heavy weight, a warm blanket, something he doesn't deserve. his eyes fill with hot tears, and ren takes in a sharp breath. ]
I'm sorry. I'm sorry we broke apart. I wanted to protect you.
Don't be sorry, baby. You were going through so much.
( he breathes, low and intense, cupping his face so that he can look him in the eye. he presses his forehead against his, full of love and affection. he is that warm blanket, that way out of the cold that yingxing had ventured out into.
he kisses his eyelids. ) I should have protected you, instead. Denied your request for a divorce. You are the love of my life, you know. Did you think I would've let you stray far from me?
[ he keeps jing yuan close, scooped near, soaking up his incredible warmth. his eyes close, and ren sighs softly. ]
You're too good for me. Too good for anyone.
[ no one could possibly be deserving of jing yuan's devotion.. but as he is the one with whom it is being trusted, ren knows that he must take care to keep his beloved's tender heart safe. he turns his head, pressing a line of warm, soft kisses down his throat and over the rise of his shoulder, both hands sliding up jing yuan's back, then down again. ]
( he chides him quietly; those kisses are tender, loving, and while they're what jing yuan's always desired and craved, the softness setting his pulse racing, he can't help but feel those words deeply. he shifts to roll him onto his back so that he looms above him. jing yuan's eyes are fixed on him even as he straddles the greatest love of his life. running his fingers through his hair, thumb tracing over the drying trails of tears. )
I've never been too good for you. ( he nuzzles against him, quietly sighing. ) You did what you did because you believed in it. And even now... you're still incredible, protective, and everything I would ever want.
[ jing yuan rolls them, pressing him down into the mattress, and ren looks up at him, his expression still a little despondent, but mostly gentle, full of heartache and love. he's always been too good for him, and ren knows it - even before he went to prison, he didn't deserve jing yuan, but even still he is not strong enough to give him up. not when jing yuan still loves him so deeply.
his hands flutter to jing yuan's hips, thumbs rubbing circles into their hollows, and when his beloved leans in to nuzzle him, ren closes his eyes and hums his contentment, pressing their mouths together, kissing him softly, languidly. ]
I love you. [ he whispers, one hand lifting to sink into jing yuan's soft hair. ] I never stopped.
( jing yuan asks softly, tilting his head at him. he understands, roughly, why yingxing had asked for it now, but in that moment, that demand stung. he looks down at his face, cupping his face with a soft smile.
his touch is welcome, and those calloused hands thrill him. ah, how long has it been since yingxing had been so tender, when his touch isn't bruising? the kiss makes his toes curl, and he chases after him, wanting another kiss. )
Although... this just makes me want to marry you again.
[ yingxing had demanded the divorce because of his love for jing yuan, because he felt with all of his heart that his dearest one deserved so much better than him, than a convicted killer, someone with blood on their hands and poisoned bones. thankfully jing yuan had been stubborn enough for the both of them, clinging onto the shattered remains of their love and never letting go.
jing yuan chases the kiss, and he is more than happy to give it, to kiss him again, and again, soft and gentle, one hand caressing jing yuan's back, the other rubbing tenderly at his scalp. ]
Marry me, then. [ he whispers, nudging their noses together. ] Be mine again.
Ask properly. On one knee and all that. The way I proposed to you.
( the glimmer of the brat can be seen, because jing yuan's smile is wicked in between kisses. he darts forward to nip his bottom lip, hands coming to knead and fondle his pecs to tease his nipples.
he licks over where he'd nipped, his smile becoming warmer, more tender, one reserved just for him. ) Should we invite our friends to the reception again?
[ but jing yuan deserves nothing less. with a soft smile, he slips his hand deeper into that thick hair, scratching at his scalp the way that he knows jing yuan likes it. the attention to his chest has him purring, nipples pebbling beneath jing yuan's thumbs, his eyelids dropping low. ]
( his kisses trail down from his lips to his throat, down and down to lick his clavicle before his mouth finds a nipple, soothing away the little pinches. pleased when yingxing massages his scalp the way he likes, he hums softly at that observation.
... well, yes. )
Only the ones who are still our friends. There are more of them than you think. Even your master...
[ jing yuan's mouth closes over his sensitive nipple, and yingxing groans low, arching, his hands sliding down jing yuan's back and up again, slipping into his thick hair.
huaiyan.. he would have thought that he had disappointed the old man so thoroughly that he would never want to hear his name again, let alone see his face. so much had changed. he'd killed a man with his bare hands. how could his master forgive that? forgive him? he doesn't want to think about it right now, he just wants to think about jing yuan. ]
Mm, and I'll take you to bed that night and make love to you until morning.
( jing yuan doesn't stop, relentless in his affection as he suckles his nipple, making wet, sinful little sounds.
he's enthralled by his lover's body, hands smoothing over his sternum, up his chest, then down his hips to curl around his cock lovingly. he knows what yingxing is likely to be thinking, but he wants to distract him from it — what's done is done, the damage wrought; all that is left is to continue moving onward, to pick up the pieces. he shifts, pulling up so that he can meet him in the eye, gaze searching.
his gaze is warm, and he leads him right to the memory instead of the awful things that's happened between them since. no, there is always hope for them both. )
Like the first time we got married. ( he laughs softly. ) I fell asleep during the third round, though. Remember? And we were so loud, they had to give us a suite.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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( he tells him tenderly, hands smoothing over the muscles of his biceps. if he's mourning what he knew of his beloved, the arrogant, playful, stubborn man that he was, he doesn't let on. he presses a kiss to his forehead, keeping him in that hold and nuzzling him, pleased that at least yingxing is reaching out to him instead of pushing him away. )
What is it?
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[ there's no reason to hide it. besides, surely jing yuan must already suspect it, given how staunchly against unprotected sex he is, how he refuses not to use a condom no matter how jing yuan begs and whines.
with a soft sigh, he lifts his head, gently butting their brows together. this, he thinks, might break jing yuan's heart most of all, may shatter him into a thousand pieces. it would have been better for him to simply disappear from jing yuan's life entirely.. but having failed that, honesty is his only option. ren nudges their noses together, hesitating for a moment as he works up the courage to say the words. ]
I'm HIV positive. It's why we need to be careful.
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of all the things jing yuan expected yingxing to say, he didn't think it was this. hiv positive. the words echo as the bottom falls out from under him, and jing yuan can only stare and process the truth of it slowly. the fact is that there is treatment available, and that it's possible for him to live normally -- but all of that fades in the face of the ramifications of what he means.
he has it, and odds are that it's sexually transmitted. and so he has to ask, even as he nuzzles against him. he doesn't pull away, he won't. he's promised, in sickness and in health. but it still breaks his heart and makes him ache. )
What -- what happened?
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I was..
[ his throat closes, squeezes, and ren swallows down a wave of nausea, rubbing both hands over his face, fingers trembling lightly. he shouldn't keep anything from jing yuan, his beloved, but that does not make the words any easier to say, the knowledge that jing yuan will surely be devastated on his behalf.. all of it aches. ]
I didn't - you know what prison is like, don't you? I was in max. It's brutal, there. People.. take what they want.
[ goods, power, influence.. and other people, should they desire them. he keeps his gaze fixed pointedly away. ]
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no matter how strong they are, there are forces out there in the world that will tear them down, and yingxing has experienced enough. he reaches for his hand, threading his fingers through it and leaning forward to press his forehead to his. to think that he's carrying the horror of this violation alone, this profound, aching pain that will not be relieved, reminded of it every single day. )
Oh... my darling, my love. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. ( he presses up against him and takes him into an embrace, holding him close. he wants to carry his pain for him, the burden of this sin, and he nuzzles into him. no more, he doesn't need him to say it out loud. )
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jing yuan holds him, pulls him close, and the sheer tenderness of the moment nearly cracks him in half. hissing in a shuddering breath, ren closes his eyes, tensing, his kneejerk reaction to pull away.. but he resists, then leans into it, allowing their brows to touch. ]
.. it is what it is. [ he says quietly, his eyes stinging. it's impossible not to recall every moment of his brutal treatment in prison, how it had taken him years to build up the strength to be able to defend himself properly and build up his own protections. ] It's over now.
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It's over. ( he echoes softly. ) But you're not alone. I won't let you be on your own with this. Have you... have you seen the doctor? There are treatments —
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leaning his weight into him, ren breathes a heavy, shuddering sigh. ]
Mm. I have, yeah. I'm trying to get treatment, I just - I can't risk you.
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he presses soft kisses to his forehead, so gentle. )
Let me arrange something. ( he murmurs against his forehead, fully intending to leverage on his position to give his beloved the best care that he needs. ) I know a few people.
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[ - have to, he means to say, but he stops himself. jing yuan wants so desperately to help.. how could ren deny him? how would he feel in his place? so he quiets, closing his eyes to allow himself to soak up jing yuan's closeness, his soft kisses, the sweet, familiar scent of his skin and hair..
relenting, he leans into jing yuan's arms, nudging his nose along his jaw. ]
.. all right. If you think it'll help.
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oh, how tired his love must be. )
It will. I'll arrange for the best care for you. ( he offers a soft smile. ) But... tell me what you need, too.
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I just need you.
[ he murmurs, both arms winding around jing yuan to pull him close, scooping him in near. he buries his face in his husband's shoulder, exhaling a sigh. ]
You smell so good..
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( jing yuan smiles softly, nuzzling back into him as well. he smells like yingxing, too, his beautiful, beloved man. he feels a sense of relief, just a little — jing yuan knows there is a long road ahead; he hasn't even touched the psychological damage that all of his has done to him yet. but... a little at a time.
he shifts, moving to cup his face. )
I don't want to pressure you into doing things you don't want to do. And even so... I won't leave your side, my love.
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but when jing yuan pulls back to cup his face, ren nearly breaks all over again. seeing that soft, sweet look in his eyes, all of that care and love and devotion.. it feels like a heavy weight, a warm blanket, something he doesn't deserve. his eyes fill with hot tears, and ren takes in a sharp breath. ]
I'm sorry. I'm sorry we broke apart. I wanted to protect you.
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( he breathes, low and intense, cupping his face so that he can look him in the eye. he presses his forehead against his, full of love and affection. he is that warm blanket, that way out of the cold that yingxing had ventured out into.
he kisses his eyelids. ) I should have protected you, instead. Denied your request for a divorce. You are the love of my life, you know. Did you think I would've let you stray far from me?
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You're too good for me. Too good for anyone.
[ no one could possibly be deserving of jing yuan's devotion.. but as he is the one with whom it is being trusted, ren knows that he must take care to keep his beloved's tender heart safe. he turns his head, pressing a line of warm, soft kisses down his throat and over the rise of his shoulder, both hands sliding up jing yuan's back, then down again. ]
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( he chides him quietly; those kisses are tender, loving, and while they're what jing yuan's always desired and craved, the softness setting his pulse racing, he can't help but feel those words deeply. he shifts to roll him onto his back so that he looms above him. jing yuan's eyes are fixed on him even as he straddles the greatest love of his life. running his fingers through his hair, thumb tracing over the drying trails of tears. )
I've never been too good for you. ( he nuzzles against him, quietly sighing. ) You did what you did because you believed in it. And even now... you're still incredible, protective, and everything I would ever want.
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his hands flutter to jing yuan's hips, thumbs rubbing circles into their hollows, and when his beloved leans in to nuzzle him, ren closes his eyes and hums his contentment, pressing their mouths together, kissing him softly, languidly. ]
I love you. [ he whispers, one hand lifting to sink into jing yuan's soft hair. ] I never stopped.
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( jing yuan asks softly, tilting his head at him. he understands, roughly, why yingxing had asked for it now, but in that moment, that demand stung. he looks down at his face, cupping his face with a soft smile.
his touch is welcome, and those calloused hands thrill him. ah, how long has it been since yingxing had been so tender, when his touch isn't bruising? the kiss makes his toes curl, and he chases after him, wanting another kiss. )
Although... this just makes me want to marry you again.
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[ yingxing had demanded the divorce because of his love for jing yuan, because he felt with all of his heart that his dearest one deserved so much better than him, than a convicted killer, someone with blood on their hands and poisoned bones. thankfully jing yuan had been stubborn enough for the both of them, clinging onto the shattered remains of their love and never letting go.
jing yuan chases the kiss, and he is more than happy to give it, to kiss him again, and again, soft and gentle, one hand caressing jing yuan's back, the other rubbing tenderly at his scalp. ]
Marry me, then. [ he whispers, nudging their noses together. ] Be mine again.
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( the glimmer of the brat can be seen, because jing yuan's smile is wicked in between kisses. he darts forward to nip his bottom lip, hands coming to knead and fondle his pecs to tease his nipples.
he licks over where he'd nipped, his smile becoming warmer, more tender, one reserved just for him. ) Should we invite our friends to the reception again?
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[ but jing yuan deserves nothing less. with a soft smile, he slips his hand deeper into that thick hair, scratching at his scalp the way that he knows jing yuan likes it. the attention to his chest has him purring, nipples pebbling beneath jing yuan's thumbs, his eyelids dropping low. ]
I'm not sure they would approve..
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( his kisses trail down from his lips to his throat, down and down to lick his clavicle before his mouth finds a nipple, soothing away the little pinches. pleased when yingxing massages his scalp the way he likes, he hums softly at that observation.
... well, yes. )
Only the ones who are still our friends. There are more of them than you think. Even your master...
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huaiyan.. he would have thought that he had disappointed the old man so thoroughly that he would never want to hear his name again, let alone see his face. so much had changed. he'd killed a man with his bare hands. how could his master forgive that? forgive him? he doesn't want to think about it right now, he just wants to think about jing yuan. ]
Mm, and I'll take you to bed that night and make love to you until morning.
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he's enthralled by his lover's body, hands smoothing over his sternum, up his chest, then down his hips to curl around his cock lovingly. he knows what yingxing is likely to be thinking, but he wants to distract him from it — what's done is done, the damage wrought; all that is left is to continue moving onward, to pick up the pieces. he shifts, pulling up so that he can meet him in the eye, gaze searching.
his gaze is warm, and he leads him right to the memory instead of the awful things that's happened between them since. no, there is always hope for them both. )
Like the first time we got married. ( he laughs softly. ) I fell asleep during the third round, though. Remember? And we were so loud, they had to give us a suite.